THE DESEXUALIZATION OF THE AMERICAN MARRIAGE/WAY TO LEAVE YOUR LOVING: “IF THIS IS SATURDAY, WE’LL PROBABLY DO IT” – DOCTOR’S PRACTISE
Posted on May 18, 2009 under General health | No Comment One of the husbands in my sample complained in a therapy session, “She just got heavy. Same old person, only a heavier version. How can I get turned on by her?”
When I responded that he was responsible for his own arousal, not merely reactive to a body image, he became angry. “Why do I need a partner, then? I can just get myself turned on.”
“It’s a system,” I responded. “You affect her, she affects you, and so it goes. You broke the chain when you declared her the sole source of your sexual feelings. Instead of asking why she is heavier, you might ask yourself about the qualities that lead to your arousal. Are you still able to see the whole, the total person? Do you want her thinner for you, for her, or for the two of you? Are you with her in this struggle of weight, or just an appraiser of final outcome? Are you aware of her or just her body?”
“You mean like my feelings that she is the mother of my children, the person who helped me through my heart attack, the person who tolerates my immaturity, and stuff like that? Okay … but that’s not sex,” he responded, “I mean it is not really sexual or a turn-on or anything.”
This husband is mistaken. Change and adaptation in marriage hinge on broadening our reactions to one another, not depending on predetermined, culturally determined standards. The stimulation comes from within the system, not from skin and bones and their respective arrangement. The question is, Does your relationship turn you on, not does someone or something turn you on. This emphasis equalizes responsibility for arousal.
If we cling to a search for newness, uniqueness, compliance by our partner to ever-changing external cultural standards of “sexiness,” we miss one of the greatest opportunities that marriage provides: the familiarity of communication on levels beyond the see-and-touch world.
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